Tam Lin: A Summary

Everyone: Don’t go to Carterhaugh; there’s some guy named Tam Lin living there and he’s hella territorial.

Janet: I’m doing the thing because fuck you that’s why

Tam Lin: Dude did you just come prancing in here and pick a double rose from my rosebush

Janet: Why yes I did. I’ve been a naughty, naughty girl

Tam Lin:

Janet: So you should punish me *wink, nudge*

CONVENIENT TIMESKIP

Janet’s father’s knights (she was a princess this whole time by the way): omg Janet did you get yourself pregnant?

Janet: Maybe

Knights: IT WAS TOTALLY MINE SO NOW YOU HAVE TO MARRY ME AND I GET TO BE KING HAHAHAHAHA

Janet: WELL YOU’RE ALL OLD AND I HOPE YOU DIE HORRIBLY. I WILL HAVE LOVE CHILDREN WITH ANYONE I WANT BUT NOT YOU

The king: Janet honey seriously though are you preggers?

Janet: BITCH I MIGHT BE

King:

Knights:

Janet: OH AND THE FATHER IS A FEY KNIGHT WITH A BADASS HORSE SO I WIN

AND SHE’S AWAY TO CARTERHAUGH AS FAST AS SHE COULD HIE ETC.

Janet: Yeah starting to rethink the wisdom of this whole “having a baby out of wedlock in medieval Scotland” thing. Where does the Abortionweed grow again?

Tam Lin: Y u kill our bby?

Janet: Hey no uterus or financial support no opinion

Tam Lin: But…but…true love!

Janet: This is not Once Upon A fucking Time man

Tam Lin: Okay so here’s what you have to do. The fairy queen kidnapped me, but you can beat her when the fairies ride out on Halloween. You just have to pull me down off the white horse

Janet: Okay

Tam Lin: And not let go

Janet: Ten-four

Tam Lin: While she changes me into a bunch of snakes and lions and wild swans and a flaming sword

Janet:

Tam Lin: And then she’ll turn me into myself but naked

Janet: Where do I sign up?

SO THEN SHE GOES TO THE CROSSROADS ON HALLOWEEN AND DOES THE THING

The fairy queen: Tam Lin, if I had known you’d pull this shit, I’d have turned your eyes to stone. And your heart. And your dick.

SO BASICALLY JUST LIVE YOUR LIFE DOING WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT AND BULLDOZING THROUGH EVERY OBSTACLE. IT’LL ALWAYS END WELL.

Notes

Written in September 2013. Added to site October 2014